The Hard Part

Hyperemisis is a life threatening condition that can happen in pg. It is not "just" morning sickness. You lose weight, You get dehydrated and need IV fluids. There are many meds to take just to get through to the next day. My pharmacist knows my voice. The receptionist at my wonderful OB's office knew my crying (called crying alot). I have been blessed to be surrounded by wonderful and caring family and medical professionals during all three of my HG pregnancies. Some women are not so lucky. A few years ago and Husband and Dad to be lost his family, wife and unborn twins, to HG. The Dr let it go to long, and she was not able to come through it. People DIE from this. BABIES die from this.

There seems to be a link between HG and 2nd trimester loss. They babies take and take and survive best they can but sometimes there is just not enough there for them to take, and they become Angels before even meeting their parents. It just plain sucks. Day after Day I pray for it to end. I just don't want to be sick anymore. But in a weird way, being sick means my baby is OK. It means that the baby is growing and surviving and will get to make his or her entrance in March. How horrible is it for a mom to wish for the suffering to end. In my other pregnancies I can remember debating about whether or not to go on. Waking up nauseated, spending the entire with the feeling that i could throw up at any minute with out warning. I planned my drives to work to make sure there were places I could stop to be sick along the way. I tried so many foods and so many times it just failed and I threw up until my throat was so raw and sore it bled. Until my abdomen muscles were so sore it felt like I had worked out. Work out? Please. I can't even walk up the stairs. A good day is when I throw up less than 15 times. On a bad day, I just make base camp in the bathroom and notice all the dirt and dust on the bathroom floor.

Dignity. Well that is a joke. In my second pg, I was so sick that I couldn't stop throwing up and every time I threw up I peed and defecated in my pants. Nice. 30 years old sticking Dora diapers in my underwear for the drive to the hospital. I have thrown up in front of Family, Neighbors, co workers and complete strangers. I pee my pants every time I throw up. It is so force full.

But the hard part? Its not the sickness. Its that this is it. This is my last pregnancy. There will be no more. It is to hard on my family. My kids can't figure out why Mommy is so sick. My family needs to help us, just to get through the day. This is my last everything. The last time I will feel the baby grow inside me. The last time I will give birth. And that sucks.

I always wanted four kids. I am blessed to be on my way to three. Some are not so lucky. But it just plain sucks that this it.

Despite it all, despite everything, I would do this again. Beyond a shadow of a doubt. But That is not to be.

My heart is just breaking.