Blessed

Okay, I know I complain alot. I try to be all happy and up beat in real life. Doesn't always work, but I try. But I am so blessed to be having a third and am really very happy. Ya, I wish it was easier, but I have to tell you, I am proud of me and my family. I will have made it through 3 pregnancies. That is about 26 months (taking off the days I am pg before sick) of being sick. Holy god, that is more than 2 years. To be as sick as I get for that long, I am DAMN proud of that. Dave really steps up. I am so lucky that he is such a great and hands on family. If he could deal with C's poop issue, he would be perfect! But he does everything else!

And my wonderful girls. They are so sweet. They have their bad moments but we all do. They are both so excited to have this baby. To bad its still 30 weeks away, but they are being patient. I have told J the baby will be here for her birthday, she accepts it and is thrilled. For now. I belive that may change when the new baby comes home.

Not a second of regret

So here I sit while my brother plays with my kids and my mother cleans my house. I was in the ER all day getting meds and fluids so I am USELESS at anything. And I should feel grateful , I am grateful, but I just feel like a failure. Millions and millions of pregnant women can take care of their kids, and their houses. Crap , they can even eat. They crave weird things and gain tons of weight. But Hi, I am Erin. I Suck at being pregnant. I grow great little kids, and they come out all perfect and smart, but I don't handle it well. I throw up 20 times a day. On an average day. I am thrilled at the thought of getting my PICC line this Wednesday.

I do not regret being pregnant because I would never regret my kids. But I have to tell you, to hear everyone I came across at the hospital this morning tell me I should have stopped after the first. I can't tell you how that breaks my heart. The thought of not having my little dare devil. The one who is quick to hug and kiss and cuddle but quicker to jump off the tallest thing in the room? The one with the cute little dimple? How can you not go through all this, day in and day out, when at the end, is this little person you would give your life for. I guess for me, it just starts a little earlier than most.

Still going....

I figured if I didn't write or acknowledge I am sick, it will just go away. But that seems to not be working near as well as the meds or Zofran so now I am going to try writing.

The baby is fine. We had a big scare, but the baby is well and kicking. The heart rate is perfect and it is growing just fine for its gestational age. BUT it set me back a week or so. As of now I am 10w1d. So yes that is 10weeks closer to not being pg BUT its one week less then I had thought. I have another appointment and U/S on the 9th of September. The kids are so excited for a baby. C has taken to pointing out every baby then kissing my tummy. Very cute. J is just thrilled. She actually had asked if we could have a new baby on the way to find out if I was, in fact, having a viable pg. So when we told her , she was thrilled. She also seems to think babies get made that fast!!!!! If only she knew the chore it was to get them in my tummy. (yes, that was sarcastic)

I think I will be having a 3D ultra sound this go. This is our last one, so I want to do it. Plus it will be great for J to actually "see" the baby in my tummy. I have decided that to help fund this venture, family will be charged $50 for the chance to find out what we are having. Only fair, we didn't find out last time and everyone was pissy. So this time it will cost them. Thats not wrong is it????


And as a side note, I LOVE MY DR AND HIS STAFF. I get my PICC line on Wednesday. Yes in a few days. If you know about Ontario Health Care, you know the down fall, is they give you great care for free, you just have to wait FOREVER!! Well my Dr did something right to get me one so quickly. I am blessed to have such a great Dr. He may feel different about having me as a patient though....

Sick of Sick

I am so sick of being sick. Like really really sick of this. I am sick of not being able to care for my kids. To let everything fall to my husband. I am so sick of it. I can handle the puking easier then I can handle the neglect of my family. I often wonder what my husband is thinking but then I realize its probably better I don't know!

The Fine Line

When you have HG an outing with your family is a huge undertaking. Not only do I need to remember diapers and snacks , water and etc for the girls. Do I have my meds, did I take some before we left, do I have safe foods and drink. What about barf bags? Do I know where the bathrooms are? Am I prepared to get sick in front of the people there? And then we get in the van...

So we get to where we are going. That is usually the first time I think, okay I made a mistake in coming. We unload the van, get everyone in the joovy stroller. Get all the goodies in the basket and off we go to explore. Everyone wait, Mom is dizzy , take five. Okay, all good. A few minutes later, Everyone wait, Mom needs to get sick. Okay, all good and this is how the outing goes. Thankfully my family is caring and understanding ("Aww Mom are you going to puke AGAIN?" and we all know the drill.

Then we get back to the van and load up. Then sitting in the van I begin to realize I should not have walked around the museum for 4 hours. That may have been to much. Then we get home and I have to take a nap for a couple hours to try to end the insane nausea that has come to visit. I am always nauseated but sometimes its the gold medal kind. As I lie in bed I think of my choices of the day. I could have just stayed home, in bed, and Dave could have taken the girls. But then I would have missed on yet another family time. So I am glad I went, but now I need to recover. And tomorrow, I will feel it!

Safe Foods

Part of the joy of HG is learning what your safe foods are. Safe foods are foods, that almost always, stay down. For me, it is usually Chips, Pepsi and McDonalds and Powerade, Orange Powerade. Well. Chips are now not a safe food. I am so sad. That was such an easy and FREE safe food. Dave works at Frito Lays and when the cases get ruined or the chips are stale dated , they come home to Momma! But now, UGH. The thought of them and my stomach turns. As for the powerade, threw that up a few times in a row, and now the thought of it turns my stomach and makes me gag. So what does that leave me with? McD's and Pepsi. What all good babies are grown on. Lord help us. And of course, what did we just buy? You got it. A mini van. So I have looked in the couches the car seats and ANYWHERE there may be spare change. All to feed my habit. Now I was able to eat some dinner yesterday. So I can eat other stuff, but I have to really really want it.
While growing J I was very worried about drinking too much caffeine. But according to health Canada I could have 5 or 6 cans of pop a day and its in the limit. So Since I can almost get in two cans in a day, I am ahead of the game.

Aren't you glad you know this now?

The Hard Part

Hyperemisis is a life threatening condition that can happen in pg. It is not "just" morning sickness. You lose weight, You get dehydrated and need IV fluids. There are many meds to take just to get through to the next day. My pharmacist knows my voice. The receptionist at my wonderful OB's office knew my crying (called crying alot). I have been blessed to be surrounded by wonderful and caring family and medical professionals during all three of my HG pregnancies. Some women are not so lucky. A few years ago and Husband and Dad to be lost his family, wife and unborn twins, to HG. The Dr let it go to long, and she was not able to come through it. People DIE from this. BABIES die from this.

There seems to be a link between HG and 2nd trimester loss. They babies take and take and survive best they can but sometimes there is just not enough there for them to take, and they become Angels before even meeting their parents. It just plain sucks. Day after Day I pray for it to end. I just don't want to be sick anymore. But in a weird way, being sick means my baby is OK. It means that the baby is growing and surviving and will get to make his or her entrance in March. How horrible is it for a mom to wish for the suffering to end. In my other pregnancies I can remember debating about whether or not to go on. Waking up nauseated, spending the entire with the feeling that i could throw up at any minute with out warning. I planned my drives to work to make sure there were places I could stop to be sick along the way. I tried so many foods and so many times it just failed and I threw up until my throat was so raw and sore it bled. Until my abdomen muscles were so sore it felt like I had worked out. Work out? Please. I can't even walk up the stairs. A good day is when I throw up less than 15 times. On a bad day, I just make base camp in the bathroom and notice all the dirt and dust on the bathroom floor.

Dignity. Well that is a joke. In my second pg, I was so sick that I couldn't stop throwing up and every time I threw up I peed and defecated in my pants. Nice. 30 years old sticking Dora diapers in my underwear for the drive to the hospital. I have thrown up in front of Family, Neighbors, co workers and complete strangers. I pee my pants every time I throw up. It is so force full.

But the hard part? Its not the sickness. Its that this is it. This is my last pregnancy. There will be no more. It is to hard on my family. My kids can't figure out why Mommy is so sick. My family needs to help us, just to get through the day. This is my last everything. The last time I will feel the baby grow inside me. The last time I will give birth. And that sucks.

I always wanted four kids. I am blessed to be on my way to three. Some are not so lucky. But it just plain sucks that this it.

Despite it all, despite everything, I would do this again. Beyond a shadow of a doubt. But That is not to be.

My heart is just breaking.